Amusing Fails
by DarkCrimsonShadowBlossom
Summary: A hilarious oneshot between the STARS members. Somehow, they all manage to survive the bizarre moments that befall their team, especially when Chris accidentally gives Wesker a Valentine's Day card meant for Jill.


**Disclaimer: I don't own anything!**

**Chapter 1: Mixed up Valentine**

**I got this idea while walking through the halls on valentine's day, and while I was hyped up on some candy my friends gave me XD**

**Enjoy!**

_"You're eyes are like crystal pools of blue-"_

Wait. That sounded really cheesy.

_"Your kindness smothers me-"_

That sounded even worse.

Chris sighed in exasperation; it was Valentine's day. Which meant he would try yet again to try and write Jill a Valentine's day card. Last year his palms got so clammy and he was holding the card in a death grip, as if he let go of it he would die, which in turn ruined the card. It was turned into a piece of crumpled and sweaty mass of pink paper with the ink messed up.

This year he was determined to give her a card. Even if he fainted as soon as he gave it to her.

The brunet swallowed a lump in his now parched throat before setting his pen back on the new clean piece of paper. He closed his eyes before letting his hand glide across the paper and wrote, _"I've liked you since the first time we've met. Everytime I see you my heart skips many beats at the sight of your beauty. Your blue eyes warm me up at just the sight of them. Don't even get me started on your smile._

_If you would, please go on a date with me?_

_Sincerely, Chris."_

Opening eyes for the cringing moment (he had no idea he was clamping his eyes shut so hard that they started hurting) and read the letter. "YEAH!" he yelled loud enough that Wesker came from his office down the hall to tell him to shut up.

"Y-Yes sir." Chris mumbled before getting up, "I'm heading home now." he told the captain, whose only acknowledgement was a grunt.

'Still the same as ever.' thought the brunet as he gathered his things and left his desk. While walking to the locker room he waved hi to Barry and Forest, who had just finished shooting practice, before he put the letter in an envelope. He left it on top of his locker for a second when he heard Forest yell out, "Hey Chris! Come here, you've got to see this youtube video!"

Said man smiled before walking to his friend.

.

.

.

Barry stretched his arm a little. He was just getting ready to leave when he noticed Chris' locker door was open. He slammed it shut. The effect of which rattled the locker enough that the letter perched lazily upon it flew off and right next to a certain _someone's_ locker. _'Maybe it goes in that persons locker?' _thought the man before grabbing the white envelope and sticking it in the locker it fell adjacent to through the slot in the front. Smiling, Barry started whistling a happy tune while he eagerly walked to his car to wish his wife a happy Valentine's day.

.

.

.

Chris strolled over to his locker, reaching on top of it and groped for the envelope. When his fingers found nothing his heart sank to the ground.

It was missing.

The letter that's to Jill, that he poured his heart into (sorta), was now missing.

A feeling of dread spread through him like wildfire when the realization of the situation had sunk in. He had to find that letter before Jill did. And _fast_.

While he was thinking of this the brunette woman he was hoping to give the letter to walked into the room, fixing her beret. Her bright blue eyes saw Chris just standing there, looking like a statue. Upon closer inspection she saw his pupils were dilated and he was sweating immensely. "You okay?" she asked her partner, eyes fixed upon his dreadful expression.

Her partner gasped in surprised and flailed his arms, "J-Jill!"

"Yes?" she asked, giggling slightly.

"Hey, h-have you seen anyone… say they found… an envelope anywhere?" he asked her.

"No why?"

"No reason! Just… t-tell me I-if they do 'kay?" he asked before walking over to Forest with Jill following close behind him.

_So disorganized Christopher._ thought their Captain as he prepared to gather his stuff from his locker. When he opened it, he saw an envelope sitting on his black jacket. Picking it up, he read what was written inside,_ "__I've liked you since the first time we've met. Everytime I see you my heart skips many beats at the sight of your beauty. Your blue eyes warm me up at just the sight of them. Don't even get me started on your smile._

If you would, please go on a date with me?

Sincerely, Chris."

…

"CHRIS."

.

.

.

"CHRIS!" said man heard his name bellowed from down the hall.

_'Fuck my life.' _thought the marksman before his captain came raging down the hall. "Any particular reason why I found this," he held up a letter, "in my locker?"

_'OH FUCK.' _pure embarrassment coursed through his veins, causing his face to burn fiercely. It was the letter.

The letter to _Jill._

In _Wesker's _hand.

"I-I can explain-"

A stern look from the older man cut him off. He could tell his was in deep shit. His captain's lips were pursed into a thin line, and he felt like something was smoldering him with a glare.

Though, that could have been Jill. He didn't have to look to tell that she was pissed. Severely pissed. "Chris," his captain's ice cold fury filled voice brought his attention back, "I'm sorry but, no. And another thing," Wesker turned to walk away, "Make sure you're here early tomorrow, you have _tons _of paper work." and with that he left, radiating a vibe of pure anger.

Wesker was totally going to kill him tomorrow. If not, Jill will. "Chris…" seethed his partner through gritted teeth.

"Y-Yes?" he put his hands up in a surrendering gesture. "Why the hell didn't you tell me you were gay! Why didn't you come out of the closet sooner huh!"

"It wasn't meant for him-"

"WHO WAS IT MEANT FOR? Forest? Brad? Joseph?" her voice grew exponentially louder with each word that escaped her mouth. She was practically shouting at the top of her lungs already.

"No-"

"Then for the other girls? Rebecca? Angela? Samantha?" Jill formed a fist and shoved it in Chris' stomach as hard as she could manage. For someone so tiny, she was able to easily bring Chris to the ground, clutching his stomach in pain, and nearly caused tears to come from his dark eyes. "I wasted all this time on you when you gay! I THOUGHT YOU WOULD TELL ME EVERYTHING."

She walked out- more like stomped- from the room.

Forest, Brad, and Joseph proceeded to laugh at the marksman's misery.

For the next two weeks Chris spent most of his time sucking up to Jill, hoping to convince her of his sexual orientation to no avail.

**I was listening to the horoscope song by Weird Al Yankovich the whole time I was writing this. It just made me crack up :'D**

**I was thinking, what would happen if there was a Resident Evil game where Chris and Wesker are on the same team? Like player one can be one of them and player two can be the other? That would be so awesome right?**

**I hope you guys enjoyed it as much as I enjoyed writing it! Please review! I update faster that way! ^_^**


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